Positive Influence vs. Psychological Manipulation in the Voice Studio
Psychological manipulation is any attempt to control another person’s behavior. We’re all guilty of manipulation at one point or another, and most of us aren’t being malicious when we do it. Sometimes we even think we’re being helpful or kind (hey there, codependency). Regardless of the intent, manipulation gradually erodes the manipulated person’s sense of choice, autonomy, self-knowledge, power, and trust.
In the voice studio, singers come in because they want their behavior to change in some way. They may want to perform differently, practice differently, sing differently, write songs differently, etc. We use a wide variety of coaching, teaching, and influencing skills to help them reach their goals.
So where’s the line between helping another person change their behavior and manipulating them into changing their behavior?
Positive Influence vs. Manipulation
In The Narcissist’s Playbook, author Dana Morningstar suggests that positive influence is welcomed from teachers and coaches by the people they’re teaching and coaching. Manipulation isn’t.
Here are some ways to distinguish when you’re using positive influence vs. when you may be using manipulation.
Throughout this article, we’ll use the example of a singer being scared to do a performance.
Focus Intent and Benefit on the Singer
When we’re using positive influence, our intent is to help the singer achieve their goals and whatever is in their best interest. The singer is the one who benefits. A situation can certainly be beneficial for both the singer and the teacher, but the singer’s benefit must be prioritized.
When we’re manipulating, our intent is to get our way or to achieve a result that we desire. We’re primarily the one who benefits from the outcome. Again, it’s possible for the singer to benefit, as well, but in this case, it’s just a side effect.
Positive Influence
The teacher’s intent is to help the singer reach their goals.
The coach’s intent is to help the singer feel more fulfilled as an artist.
The teacher’s intent is to help the singer build self-esteem.
The coach’s intent is to help the singer build their confidence in their ability to know their limits and to not be manipulated into doing something they don’t want to do by others.
Manipulation
The coach’s intent is to assuage their own discomfort around the singer’s fear.
The teacher’s intent is to get the singer to do a performance that makes the teacher look good.
The coach’s intent is to be the one who’s right.
The teacher’s intent is to avoid criticism from their fellow teachers.
Encourage, Don’t Pressure
When we’re using positive influence, we encourage the singer to take action, connecting the potential behavior to the ways it could serve the singer’s needs, goals, and desires.
When we’re manipulating, we pressure the singer to take action by directly or indirectly indicating that there will be consequences or punishments if they don’t.
Positive Influence
The teacher reminds the singer of the reasons they wanted to do the performance.
The coach reminds the singer of the ways they are capable of doing the performance.
The teacher shares tools to build courage and self-esteem.
The coach and singer talk through pros and cons of doing or not doing the performance.
Manipulation
The teacher says they will be disappointed if the singer doesn’t do the performance.
The coach cites all they’ve done for the singer, pressuring the singer to do the performance as compensation.
The singer has seen the teacher act cold and distant when singers don’t do certain performances and is afraid their connection to the teacher is in jeopardy.
The coach tells the singer they will never be successful if they don’t do the performance.
The teacher tells the singer they’re not actually serious or passionate about music if they don’t do the performance.
Put Choice in the Singer’s Hands
When we’re using positive influence, we make it clear to the singer that they have full control of the actions they choose to take. Even if they choose to defer to us in a particular situation, when and how they defer is still up to them.
When we’re manipulating, we directly or indirectly make the singer feel like they aren’t allowed to be in control of some of all of their actions.
Positive Influence
The teacher tells the singer they can choose whether or not to do the performance. They talk together through all of the consequences of the choice so the singer can make the decision that is best for them.
The coach defends the singer’s right to not perform when someone else is trying to force them to perform against their will.
The singer is having trouble making a choice about the performance. They ask the teacher for advice and help. The teacher provides it.
The singer wants the teacher to force (manipulate) them into doing the performance. The teacher gently declines to play this unhealthy role in the singer’s development and continues to help the singer come to their own decision.
Manipulation
The teacher tells the singer they have no choice but to do the performance.
The coach supports people who are trying to force the singer to perform against their will.
The teacher tells the singer they have a choice about the performance, but uses various manipulation techniques (guilt, obligation, fear, etc.) that make the singer feel unsure and unclear about their ability and right to choose.
Maintain Balance and Positive Regard
When we’re using positive influence, the singer continually feels that they are being treated with respect and dignity. There is a healthy balance in the teacher-singer relationship, and the singer feels regarded in a positive way. They feel as though their thoughts, opinions, and ideas are valued, regardless of what they know and what level of experience they have.
When we’re manipulating, the singer senses an imbalance. They feel looked down upon, disrespected, or devalued in some way. The teacher regularly creates a comparative relationship between themselves and the singer: right vs. wrong, good vs. bad, better vs. worse, less deserving vs. more deserving, more powerful vs. less powerful, more trustworthy vs. less trustworthy, etc.
Positive Influence
The coach asks the singer about why they’re scared about the performance, listens attentively, and demonstrates genuine understanding and compassion.
The teacher asks the singer what they would like to do about the fear and how the teacher can be helpful in that process.
The coach patiently answers any and all questions the less experienced singer has about what the performance could be like as they build a clearer picture of what to expect in order to assuage their fear.
Manipulation
The teacher indicates that the singer is being silly for feeling afraid.
The coach tells the singer they should just trust the coach and do the performance because the coach knows better, offering no other information or dialogue.
The teacher tells (or shows) the singer they view them as a lesser singer/person for being afraid to do the performance.
Honor the Singer’s Reality
When we’re using positive influence, we help the singer maintain trust in their ability to perceive and know their reality.
When we’re manipulating, we eroding the singer’s trust in their ability to perceive and know their reality.
Positive Influence
The teacher affirms the singer’s right to be afraid and lets them know they’re not alone in their fear.
The coach affirms that it really sucked when that one person said cruel things about a past performance. The teacher helps the singer think about how much power the singer wants to give that mean person over future performances, and ways the singer can connect to supportive people in order to remove some of that power from the person who said something cruel.
Manipulation
The coach tells the singer they aren’t really that scared.
The teacher tells the singer that there’s no reason to be affected by the person who said cruel things. And maybe they weren’t actually that cruel.
Detach from the Results
When we’re using positive influence, we commit to remaining unattached to the choices the singer makes. We may have feelings about their choices, but we don’t allow those feelings to control our behavior toward the singer.
When we’re manipulating, we allow our feelings about the singer’s choices to interfere with our behavior toward the singer.
Positive Influence
The singer chooses not to do the performance. Inwardly, the teacher is disappointed that the singer chose not to do the performance, but they still see the singer in a positive light and continue to treat the singer with respect and dignity.
The singer chooses not to do the performance. Inwardly, the coach is disappointed that the singer chose not to do the performance. They’re struggling to see the singer in a positive light. They go to their therapist to work through what’s happening so they can maintain their commitment of treating the singer with respect and dignity.
The singer chooses not to do the performance. Inwardly, the teacher is disappointed that the singer chose not to do the performance. They can no longer see the singer in a positive light. They release the singer and recommend other teachers who they believe would be better able to meet the singer’s needs.
Manipulation
The singer chooses not to do the performance. The coach acts in a colder, more detached way toward the singer and gaslights the singer when the singer expresses concern about the detachment.
The singer chooses not to do the performance. The teacher stops inviting the singer to do future performances, even though the singer only said they were scared about that one performance.
The singer chooses not to do the performance. The teacher begins sprinkling put-downs about the singer into dialogue during lessons or around fellow singers in the studio.
Begin with Clear Expectations
When we are using positive influence, we talk through actions and consequences clearly with the singer before they make choices choices. Dealing with consequences isn’t the same thing as being manipulated.
When we’re manipulating, we purposefully don’t tell the singer about consequences until they’re in the middle of the process, generally because we want to use those consequences at the “right time” to manipulate them into a different choice than the one they would have made if they’d had all of the information up front.
Positive Influence
The singer recognizes that the primary cause of their nervousness is being under-prepared. The teacher and singer talk through the practice commitment that was set up at the beginning of the year and discuss how the nervousness may be lessened in the future by following through with the practice commitment. The singer wants to practice more, so they make a plan together for better achieving the practice commitment.
The singer is part of a program that requires this performance to earn a completion certificate. The singer knew when they agreed to do the program that this was the expectation. The singer is clear that not doing the performance means they will not get the certificate.
Manipulation
The singer recognizes that the primary cause of their nervousness is being under-prepared. The teacher tells the singer they aren’t practicing enough and threatens to never invite them to future performances. When the singer asks how much they should practice, the teacher shames them for not knowing, despite never having had a conversation about a practice schedule or method.
The teacher suddenly introduced a new consequence to the singer that they will be kicked out of the program if they don’t do the performance. This was not set up as an expectation when the singer entered the program.
You’re Not Alone
Remember, we’re all guilty of manipulation at times. Please don’t use this list as something to beat yourself up with. It’s simply an opportunity to be aware of ways we can empower our singers to be their best selves without muddying the psychological waters with manipulative tactics.
Start by picking one category that you want to be more purposeful around for a period of time and do a quick check-in at the end of each day about how it showed up in your studio that day. Over time, you’ll begin to see gradual changes toward Positive Influence and away from manipulation.
As always, working through your own experiences with a good therapist is very beneficial for yourself and your students.
What are some differences you see between positive influence and manipulation? Feel free to include them in the comments.
Positive Influence vs. Psychological Manipulation in the Voice Studio was originally published in Sound and Mind on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.